Dylan's Airport Observations & Tips

10:20:00 PM

I'm sitting at the airport, and, boy, do I see some sights.  Right across from me is a burnt orange Snooki look-alike.  Her upper lip is so orange with self-tanner that it looks like she has been chugging orange soda all day.

Tip: NEVER saturate your upper lip with self-tanner.  Since your upper lip is naturally drier than the rest of your face, tanning chemicals will absorb into that skin WAY more. 

Oh, yep, there went the girl gang of lil kim-wannabes. It's 7:16 pm, and they are wearing sunglasses.... inside... as they order fast food from the airport's Chickfila.  It seems fitting that they are also in Juicy Couture sweatsuits that are one size too small.  One of the girls has a "Babygirl" plastered across her arse in rhinestones. Get the picture?

Tip: Don't wear sunglasses at night to "make a statement."  The only statement that you're making is that you might be confused, either about the time of day or about how you're not the celebrity you think you are.

Across the concourse I saw a girl walking in a skirt and boots.  Cute, right?  Not when you are also wearing a backpack that pulls your skirt up with each step you take.  She does have cute panties on.  I'll give her that.  

Tip: Never wear a backpack with a skirt.  It's going to pull the skirt up, and you probably won't notice that your giving everybody a free "backstage pass" until it's too late.  You know what I mean?

This last observation is the final straw.  There is a lady breast-feeding her 3-year old as she walks down the concourse.  Yes, I said "breastfeeding" and "3-year old" in the same sentence.  The kids legs are dangling all the way to the lady's knees. From what I can tell, it's her son.  But I cannot quite tell because the kids head is stuffed under her shirt.

Tip: Many psychologists agree that a child's personality is molded from age 0-5.  Basically, you need to nip this habit in the butt, or should I say the nipple. 

If only I had the guts to take pictures.  

God Bless America,

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