My Husband's First Blog Post: 10 Reasons Why Operating a Nuclear Powered Submarine is Easier than Planning a Wedding

12:07:00 PM

As you read these words, someone feverishly toils away over their laptop. Their stress is palpable. Their throat constricts a little more every day as the milestone they are so carefully planning approaches. The POAM’s (Plans of Actions and Milestones a.k.a. timeline) fly off their furiously typing fingertips.  

No I’m not referring to our nation’s submariners defending freedom and democracy. The poor soul I am referring to is the modern day bride-to-be.  Don’t be fooled by the idealized pictures on Facebook. The photographs that look like an every day moment of blissful happiness while the beautiful couple strolls along the beach was in reality the product of days of work to find the perfect photographer, the perfect coordinated-but-not-too-coordinated outfits, the perfect venue, the perfect lighting, etc. 

No detail is too small for a bride-to-be; no outcome can be left up to chance. Here are ten reasons why it's easier to operate a nuclear submarine (the second most complex piece of equipment ever built) than to plan your wedding. 

1. Unlike submarining, there is no "school" of wedding planning. By the time your wedding is over, you will have received an advanced degree from the school of hard knocks, but nothing quite prepares you for planning a wedding.

2.  On a submarine all casualties (things that break) come with a manual of immediate actions to fix it. For every possible situation someone meticulously created the best course of action and wrote down everything you need to do.  How convenient!  If only there was a manual of immediate actions to fix a ripped veil, a shattered centerpiece, or my personal favorite, an awkward officiant.   

3. On a submarine everyone you need is close by. You never have to worry about getting a hold of someone. You know where they sleep, when they stand watch, and you can basically locate them 24 hours a day. You only wish you could get a hold of your wedding vendors this easily.

4. On submarines you are encouraged to do things the same way every time. Finding new and creative ways of operating a nuclear reactor is not only discouraged, it can get you fired. When planning your wedding your goal is to find the perfect idea/song/invitations/decor that is creative and trendy, but not overused. This line is razor thin.

5. When a submarine crew prepares for a big event there are always multiple inspections that yield a long list of areas for improvement. Think of these like trial runs and tests. Weddings, however, are exactly the opposite. You have no idea how well you have planned until after the event.

6. On a submarine the weather doesn't matter.  I don’t know any brides that wouldn’t shed more than a few tears if it rained on their wedding day. All it takes is a couple of minutes of a good downpour to the ruin the bride’s hair. To help make this understandable to guys who may be reading this post, this means that the world has ceased to exist and that armageddon may as well be here.

7. At your wedding you actually have to choose what you are going to wear.  On the submarine everyone wears the same blue coveralls (my wife thinks of them as rompers).  When one set gets dirty you simply rotate to the next one. I can not begin to graze the surface of the complexities of wedding fashion. Let's just say that a wedding will require more pondering about clothes than any male has cumulatively done in his lifetime.

8. Your wedding (likely) has a budget. While submarines technically have budgets, there is always more money to fix that really expensive part that just broke. If the Navy wants you to go to sea (and do they ever), the expensive part will get fixed. If only weddings worked that way. 

9. There are no spare parts for your wedding.  If your veil rips you likely didn't buy a duplicate.  If the wedding cake gets dropped you probably don't have a back up. Whenever something breaks on a submarine, all you have to do is fill out the paperwork and wait for the guys in supply to figure out which locker your spare part is in.

10. Perhaps most importantly, the submarine crew doesn't care what you look like. Rolling out of the rack after a couple of months underway, chances are you look like a hobo or the nerd that could only grow a creepy mustache. Ladies, this would be the equivalent of camping for 4 months without your Venus razor. On your wedding day you will pull out all the stops-- gel nails, teeth whitening, spray tans, hair trials for hair trials, airbrush makeup, fake lashes, you name it.  You want to be the best version of you. 

If the picture that I just painted makes it seem like you and your fiancé are doomed for a stressful engagement its not all that bad. As great as standing officer of the deck on the surface with billions of dollars of warship at your command and the ocean before you, there is no feeling like watching your bride walk down the aisle toward you just don’t forget to write a good POAM.


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